Hump Day: It Was More Like Bamboozled

Cleo-Lesbian character played by Queen Latifah

What do you call when you get hit on constantly by androgynous lesbians? I feel there are many unsung straight girls out there who have yet to tell the story of Triumph after getting hit on by the Cleo's of the world. I have balls and no shame people, so ya'll know I got a story.

I can say that I am an official MUFF MAGNET. That's what I'm calling it for this post. I swear, I don't know what it is, but I've got hit on one too many times by women. It would actually be resourceful if I WAS A LESBIAN.
I wonder what is it about myself that attracts them. Is it the hair, my charming smile, my sexy boyish looks. Hell...I thought I was a girly girl. But maybe that's it. I'm cool like a dude but I'm......never mind, it's useless to try to figure out.
I constantly here these "I wish a motherfker would" comments from my straight guy friends who continuously get hit on by homosexuals, including my boyfriend. Granted my guy is cute and slim with a decent build, so it's totally understandable why he constantly gets dude stalked from time to time, but how does it really feel as a straight man to get hit on by our gay brothers?
Are they really that offended? or Do they feel slightly flattered that a gay guy would even take interest. At this day in age, for a gay man to seek interest in another, one must have a gym membership, a sick wardrobe, and a good job. So in my opinion, straight guys who get hit on by gays should not feel that offended.
I can honestly say that my man handles the occasional "looks" pretty well. Half of the time he doesn't even realize the overt sexual passes until I tell him...and even then he's in denial. I love it because it's pure comedy for me. I can say that I'm fortunate to be with someone who respects the importance of my gay guy friends. Although I have to give him a quick pep talk from time to time before an occasional outing, he knows I have a football team of homosexual friends and they aint' going nowhere. I have no time for his trivial banter every time we go to brunch or an outing with one of my "fairies"... as he likes to call them...cause' he's scared they're gonna try and flirt with him. I would always mock him and blow off his complaints until....I started to reminisce! Did I forget about how I felt when I first got hit on..........?
I have a slew of stories on my run-ins with the Cleo's of the world. It's odd that I have more than enough stories than I would like to admit, but it's real.
Come role with me as I sift through my mental Rolodex. This Story is a Classic.

I Can't Even Say I Got Hit On, it was More Like Bamboozled- by Eddie Nicole

It was the year 2002. I was a Sophomore in college in the greater Austin area. It was one of my first experiences on the notorious 6th street in Austin, Texas. Picture Bourbon street with less jazz, a sprinkle of New York's lower east side, along with drunk Texas college students and BAMN! There's 6th street...nothin' like it. I was amazed because I felt so free at that time in my 21 year old life. I was finally out of my comfort zone. Immersed with the opportunities to consume large amounts of alcohol, meet great people, all while acquiring a great edumacation. I was in it to win it. It was the ultimate college experience!
After hours of studying and cramming, my girls and I bar hopped and clowned on 6th street of Austin. We ate greasy pizza, and flirted with football players. Unfortunately, that's just what college girls do in Texas. As an attractive, naive, young female...flirting with the athletes had great benefits.... hopefully you could get into all the parties free and if you really know what you're doing maybe become a future NFL wife (Go Rocky!) or a notorious groupie...just gotta play your cards right..lol
As we flirted and introduced ourselves to the brawny ball players, they invited us to a party at this hot spot at the time called the Colorado Room. We were so hype because #1 We were getting in for free and #2 The most important at the time...Free Drinks. There was no sweat off the Ball player's backs because Austin and the entire state of Texas immortalizes football players. Needless to say, they didn't have to pay for shit. So we got the for real hook-up on drinks and the VIP section.
Everybody from UT's campus was there, including Black Greeks, male and female ball players, boppers, male groupies...it was crazy.
So we're in the party stuntin'... Lookin at females like...yeah we here..let's get the party started! We were total snobs.
We're on the dance floor getting down. We're tipsy...Well at least I was...and there were potential husbands all over the place.
*****Here's where the story takes a drastic turn*****

I made sure to not totally ruin my reputation because I planned on pledging the next year and of course the sorority I wanted to pledge had members scattered around the party everywhere. I really had to watch who I flirted and danced with that night.

So after I danced with a couple of guys....MY SONG STARTED PLAYING. It was R. Kelly's summer classic,"Fiesta" featuring Jay-Z. So I'm dancing with this dude...and we are grinding. I'm backing it up with my signature "pick it up an drop it move". Me and this "mystery man" danced for about halfway through the song until I felt something odd....Are these MAN BOOBS on my back?! I'm like, "This dude seems pretty slim, Where are the man boobs coming from?" So as I drunkenly turn around, the mystery man raps his arms around my waste... and as I'm checking "him" out "he's" laughing way too hard. So my crunkness totally began to wain, because that's when it hit me. He has one of those rare deformities...over produced mammary glands. So I'm still awkwardly dancing. I can't be rude just because the man has boobs. As I'm dancing, my best friend NeNe pulls me to the side and goes..."Girl you know you dancing with a chic". At that exact moment My heart literally dropped and splattered on the dance floor. I felt lonely and cold. Not only was the entire female basketball team eyeing me and getting a hardy laugh but some of the football players were in on it as well. It felt like Sissy Spacek in "Carrie". I was heated! All I could say was DAAAMMMN!

All I needed was for Jack Nicholson's ass to finish the night off with a classic line "Have you ever danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight?" ...."The Jokes on you...
Bitch!"














I looked at my girls and they already knew it was time to get the hell out. As we casually, but shamefully exited the club, I saw a group of sorority girls snickering. I wasn't sure if it was about me, but I felt like the whole party was laughing at my expense. Thank God those girls weren't in the sorority I was interested in, cause that would have been the end of my pledging dreams.
Wrong!.... All I can say was about a year later.... Hell Night for me was a total bitch!!...
nough' said!

I say all of that to say this.

Did I Triumph? I think so. I didn't react the way most would expect. Although to this day I feel that incident was in violation of a person's right to choose what sex they want to grind with on the dance floor, I feel just in my actions. I calmly smiled and played that shit off real smooth... I walked away. Hell what was I gonna do? fight the entire basketball team...not the way my girls were looking behind me...and I mean they were waaay behind. They were scared shitless. They figured something would pop off and we were gonna have to fight the entire girl's basketball team...that would have been a sad sight I must admit. I'm way to smooth to fight husky girls with cankles that I know I can't defeat. See, when one faces adversity and senses a larger loss than one has already gained, you can not react in an ignorant manner... That would result in my situation being "gayer" and even more awkward than it originally was. Just accept the lesson, take the losses and move on.
So with this story, I say to my friends....Just Be Cool! Karma's A Bitch.
It's not copacetic to snob at parties, I learned my lesson!

Wherever that deformed man is...I hope you may one day read this classic piece of journalism. I was Unmoved by you're fraudulent actions, and I still stand to say that......I hope you're boobs grow into huge melons so even a sports bra can't hide it. That should cease any confusion to any unsuspecting young women who crosses you're path.

Now, I ask my friends in the blogger world, what would you have done in that situation.

Signing Off,

Eddie Nicole "I Shall Not Be Moved"